//by the way, im Cancerian
People manage to relate their Zodiac signs to their own life. A Zodiac sign tells you aspects of your personality. I believe that people relate these aspects by mere coincidence or random association. A minor event in one's life might lead them to think that their sign is exactly what is says they are, who they are.
One action of a person might lead them to bieleve that they are a what the zodiac says they are. this event doesnt even need to be minor or major in the individuals life. It could just be 'there'.
the random association of the zodiac could just be the social conditions of the person's environment. zodiacs rely solely on the person's date of birth.. while one person might have been born in a bustling town [i was born here], another in a quiet, rural place [and i live here... DAMN!!!], they are sure to be different. but according to the zodiac, they would both be the same, if their birthdays were the same.
this expresses to me how people try to make sense of things, but don't really know how. you cannot simply put something so simple such as a zodiac sign to decipher a personality, most of us are individual. you cannot assume, you must know, learn, and explore.
Some of you may be saying that it is already opening up your mind to label people by a redundant symbol. Naah, I tell you. There is much more to be discovered than what already is there. There are no true answers that we know of. laws revert to theories, eveidence second guessed, questions arising. but we simpletons still use our primitiv ways of explaining things.
it has been said that the way we learn is by relating something with something else, for example. "this looks like this", or "this reminds me of this." but I think the humand mind is so much more. its potential is limitless.
some of us believe in a higher power, that only it knows the true secrets of life and of the universe [ i know i dont]. but how can one think such a thing short of being defeatist? look at all the accomplishments of our clearly superior ancestors. we have unraveled the mysteries once thought to be unsolvable. we have concquered our fears and looked into the unknown. in our known existance, we have achieved things [huge one!], and yet people still say we will never know anything.
but I believe that we will know so much more, maybe not everything. there may always be some tidbit or giant piece of information we have not decoded, some giant curtain that has never been peeked behind. but as long as we look to the future and share our findings, we will never stop learning. The human race is alike to a giant mind as long as people continue to give knowledge to others. I don't expect peace, but conflict. Nothing can be achieved from closed minded bargains. We must struggle to know. Nothing will be too be to grasp, nothing too tiny to see. Reality will be but a complex puzzle that will be solved.
As our glorious body grows, so will our minds.
If your reading this now, I still haven't been able to edit it. I thought that I would lose all my thoughts if I bothered with spellchecking it without finishing. So a lot of this is raw, and you might laugh at stuff such as my "Naah I tell you." line [im actually try to imitated the pussycat dolls act]. I just hoped it enlightened some people or made them look at things differently.
Recently the tourism minister trumpeted a statement about something ordinary folk have known for years:
The honorable minister went on to suggest that kl's nightspot be allowed to extend their operating hours to 5am, or something like that, to provides tourists [and our own kaki2 clubbing] with something to do once the shopping malls close and kl loses its only appeal for bargain-hungry Singaporeans, Chinese and middle-easterners.
Of course, politicians and opportunists who wanted some media space reacted:
'how can? Sure will lead to social ills!'
'it will destroy the morals of our youth.'
'people will not getting enough sleep and cant work the next day lorr'
'tourists don't come to kl just for the night life!'
…and the bark goes on
Sifting through the crap that resulted from the tourism minister's brainwave, I came across something amusing. Someone actually said longer operating hours are good because drinkers will drink slowly and not try to beat the clock and thereby become too intoxicated in the process. Good one, that. Not original, but it shows someone is thinking.
So I guess the suggestion from Yb datuk seri adnan tengku mansor will go down the toilet. But some other inane efforts by the ministry seem to have garnered support. Bear with me
If I have my chance to travel abroad, say to the
When I spend hard-earned money to travel to foreign countries on holiday, the last thing I want to do is look for nasi lemak or the tarik or ayam percik or dim sum or any of the other things that I can get at home at a fraction of the price. [of course, it would be different if I were a student in a foreign country, or got a job posting to a faraway land; then I'd want to tuck into a bowl of asam laksa or have roti canai for breakfast when I feel homesick.]
The ministry of tourism would like us to believe that Middle Eastern tourists are quite differ. Right in the heart of kl's bukit bintang area is arab square, formerly a children's playground for residents in the area, now transformed into a piece of little Arabia. [poor kids].
Ain Arabia (meaning: source of water) has a gazebo, park benches, feature wall, kiosks and street lights. It features works by uzbek carvers and Syrian painters, a welcome archway, and an Arabian teapot water fountain as a welcome symbol. [ err, didn't somebody proclaim that teapots were bad things when they raided that sky kingdom commune?]
An ex-member of the
In efforts to further woo Middle Eastern tourists to
So, instead of building on the history and the colour and the cultures that have roots in the bukit bintang area, we've embarked on an all-out effrt to create something alien and totally out of place. Sound familiar?
We're told that pre 9/11, the Middle Eastern fliers loved to visit Europe and the
According to ministry figures, Singaporeans make up the largest group of visitors to Bolehland every year. So how come we don't set up shops selling bak chor mee and other uniquely Singaporeans delicacies? How come we don't dedicate a section of the city to them – lets say, jalan alor – managed with typical Singaporeans efficiency, with all the eating stalls housed in ultra-clean hawker centres with clean toilets? The thais make up second largest group. So lets build lots of big, golden budhist temples everywhere. [am I the only one who smell something fishy here?]
Sigh. I guess bukit bintang is going to undergo a transformation whether we like it or not. Wait! I've got a slogan for the tourism ministry's marketing efforts for the
VISIT
Pretty catchy eh?
Lama saya memikirkan untuk menuangkan perkara yang bermain dalam kepala otak saya ini ke dalam sebuah tulisan, untuk tatapan umum. Bila saya mula menulis, rasa takut dan gementar mula mengalir. Segala macam hantu dan bayang-bayang muncul sekonyong-konyongnya. Apatah lagi tulisan saya ini bakal menyangkut persoalan agama, negara dan Islam. Kenapa saya boleh jadi takut?
Biarpun isu negara Islam Pas kelihatannya begitu kontroversi sekali, hingga berjaya sedikit sebanyak meruntuhkan keghairahan Barisan Alternatif. Saya tidak terlalu gusar dengan pandangan puak-puak konservatif Islam yang berada di barisan pembangkang, seperti Pas. Kerana mereka tidak punya kuasa mutlak, jentera negara. Misalnya, polis tidak mengikut arahan Pas. Ataupun Pas tidak berkuasa menahan saya tanpa bicara. Mereka mungkin hanya punya pengaruh. Pengaruh ke atas pandangan umum. Itu tidak akan membuatkan kemerdekaan peribadi (individual liberty) saya dirampas, kecualilah mereka dapat menang pilihanraya dan memerintah negara (suatu hal yang menjadi kemustahilan rasa-rasanya). Jadi, Pas, tidak akan membuatkan saya berdepan dengan risiko pemenjaraan dan hukuman nyata. Dasar atau rangka negara Islam Pas masih diperingkat cita-cita. Harapan, suatu subjek bukannya objek.
Dalam bentuk pentadbiran authoritarian moden Malaysia, rasa takut itu tambah menebal dengan segala kemungkinan berlegar-legar. JembaIang ISA, undang-undang, polis, mahkamah dan bermacam-macam lagi. Kerana jelas, saya di pihak yang tak punya kuasa dan pihak yang berkuasa itu pula, pastilah negara, pemerintahan BN dan diktator Mahathir Mohamad. Dan saya memang manusia penakut. Tetapi saya percaya kepada prinsip kebebasan bersuara dan kemerdekaan berfikir. Tujuan saya tidak lain dan tidak bukan hanyalah untuk menyemarakkan wacana politik Islam yang sengit dan juga kadang-kadang membingitkan telinga.
Saya akui telah banyak tulisan pro-sekular yang menulis tentang politik Islam ini. Tentang persaingan merebut Islam antara Umno dan Pas. Tetapi seingat-ingat saya, lebih banyak kiranya tulisan yang menghentam Pas dan para ulamanya. Simpati saya terhadap Pas jelas, bukan kerana agenda, taksiran dan cita-cita perjuangan Islamnya. Tetapi kerana mereka berdepan dengan penindasan yang keras dari jentera negara. Dan saya tidak bersimpati pula kepada Umno sebab ianya parti dominan kelas pemerintah yang bertindak menindas (ditambah dasar Islam konservatifnya yang tak banyak berbeza dengan Pas).
Saya percaya, kepercayaan adalah suatu hal yang sangat peribadi sifatnya. Tidak ada sesiapapun yang boleh memaksa untuk seseorang itu mengikut dan menganut satu-satu kepercayaan.
Justeru kemerdekaan peribadi ini tidak perlu dihalang atau ditindas. Tetapi ini hanyalah kata-kata saya. Bukan kenyataan yang kita depani saban waktu. Sekularisme memang sedia tertanam sebagai kata yang siap berkonotasi negatif, ia jadi bom yang memusnahkan hujah dan logik akal budi manusia.
Saya kira satu perkara yang perlu dijernihkan berhubung hal sekularisme di Malaysia ini, adalah soal campurtangan negara, dengan menggunakan agama dalam kehidupan peribadi manusianya. Malah agama -selain nusa dan bangsa- menjadi sebab atau punca segala tindakan, dasar-dasar, undang-undang mahupun penindasan yang dibuat pemerintah. Seolah-olah manusia tidak punya upaya untuk bertindak dan memutuska jalannya sendiri. Ataupun sebenarnya, agama, nilai moral dan adat ketimuran hanyalah dalih, sebab dan alasan untuk menghalalkan segala tindak-tanduk serta perlakuan jentera negara yang dimotori elit pemerintah.
Sejauhmana campurtangan negara dalam urusan peribadi manusia di Malaysia ini? Kalau tidak silap sehingga ke atas katil di bilik tidur. Tangan kasar negara meraba jauh masuk ke dalam ruang milik peribadi seseorang warganegara itu.
Oh, saya terlupa, perkara ini khusus untuk mereka yang dilahirkan dan didaftarkan sebagai Melayu Islam. Satu golongan yang sejak lahir di dikriminasikan secara hukum daripada bebas mengamalkan kemerdekaan peribadinya. Untuk mereka yang bernasib baik, lahir sebagai bukan Melayu Islam, saya dapat faham mengapa mereka begitu risau dengan agenda anti-sekular, negara Islam Pas. Malah saya juga meragui perjuangan sekularisme seperti yang dilaungkan DAP, kelihatan - yang tersurat, yang tersirat tak dapatlah saya melihatnya- mereka hanya menumpukan hak untuk kelompok bukan Islam menikmati kebebasan dan kemerdekaan peribadinya. Contohnya, hak untuk 'makan babi', hak untuk 'minum arak' dan menikam 'loteri'. Jadi golongan yang lahir sebagai Melayu Islam, kemudiannya langsung tak dapat menikmati hak-hak ini. Dan saya kira, mereka yang dilahirkan sebagai Melayu Islam setelah melalui proses sosialisasi, pengalaman, pendidikan dan pembacaannya, juga punya hak untuk menjadi apapun, sebagai pilihan peribadinya. Kerana sekularisme tidak menjadikan mereka yang lahir sebagai Melayu Islam sebagai kekecualian praktisnya. Seharusnya dia bebas memilih untuk menjadi Islam, untuk menjadi atheis, untuk menjadi agnostik dan untuk memilih anutan agama-agama lainnya. Pilihlah apapun; agama, atheisme dan kepercayaan-kepercayaan yang ada, sejauh ia tidak akan menyebabkan campurtangan negara ke dalam hidup peribadi.
Bukan saya tidak mahu bercakap soal dasar Pas, yang anti sekular itu. Tetapi saya sudah muak dengan hal itu. Saya sudah jemu membaca hal sedemikian. Biarpun Pas berkuasa di dua negeri tetapi kita semua tahu, hukum hudud masih belum terlaksana. Tiada yang putus tangannya akibat mencuri, tiada pasangan yang luka-luka disebat 100 kali di khalayak ramai akibat 'berzina'. Pas dan segala agenda negara Islamnya masih tersekat di peringkat dasar dan cita-cita perjuangan parti itu. Benar, Mak Yong diharamkan di Kelantan, itu tak ada bezanya seperti kerajaan Melaka mengharamkan konsert rock Amok atau tindakan DBKL menarik balik permit pementasan 'monolog burit' (Vagina Monologue). Kedua-duanya sama dan wajar dikritik kerana melanggar hak manusia. Baru-baru ini kecoh soal rang undang-undang hudud di Terengganu misalnya. Tetapi melihat kepada sistem yang ada, saya yakin ia tidak akan berjaya di laksanakan.
Pencerobohan ruang peribadi oleh negara dengan beralasankan agama, memang jelas sebagai unsur anti sekular yang represif. Berapa ribu manusia di Malaysia ini yang telah menjadi korban undang-undang anti-sekular negara? Berapa ramai -manusia yang dilahirkan sebagai Melayu Islam- yang telah diperkosa kemerdekaan peribadinya kerana dosa ber'khalwat', ber'zina', minum 'arak' atau mempraktikkan kebebasan seksualiti mereka?
Hal-hal sebegini merupakan suatu praktik kemerdekaan peribadi yang tidak sepatutnya diberi hukuman oleh negara. Tetapi inilah kenyataannya. Sebuah kenyataan yang cukup mengerikan. Isu panas Ketua Puteri Umno Azalina Osman cukup dekat dengan tujuan perbincangan tulisan ini. Tabloid Perdana Sari pimpinan pengarang 'pop Malaysia' Khalid Jafrie mendedahkan praktis dan orientasi seksual Azalina. Tersiarlah kisah Azalina menjadi lesbian, berkasih dan bercinta dengan kaum sejenis. Ia cukup sensasi. Cukup 'pop' gitu. Tidak adil rasanya untuk mengaitkan moral, seksualiti dan kegiatan seks Azalina yang didakwa sebagai lesbian itu sebagai bukti penyelewengan kuasa ataupun penyimpangan tanggungjawab awam. Sama ada Azalina seorang lesbian atau tidak, itu tidak penting dan tak menjadi soal. Itu haknya untuk memilih, sebuah praktis kemerdekaan peribadi. Tak ada orang boleh menghukum atau memaksa Azalina menjadi homoseksual, biseksual atau heteroseksual. Bagaimanapun dalam kes Azalina ini, hal yang perlu diberi perhatian serius adalah dakwaan pembelian sebuah kereta mewah berharga RM 300' 000 dengan menggunakan dana Puteri Umno.
Saya kira masih belum ada lagi tulisan yang mengkaji atau cuba menghuraikan tindak-tanduk anti-sekular oleh jentera negara yang menindas kebebasan peribadi manusia (khususnya mereka yang dilahirkan sebagai Melayu Islam) di Malaysia ini.
Saya cukup meragui, kejujuran dan keihklasan atau mungkin keberanian para penulis yang selama ini lantang memperjuangkan sekularisme itu. Kerana apa? Kerana yang asyik digugat dan dicabar adalah Pas dan dasar-dasarnya. Kenapa tidak mencabar undang-undang syariah sedia ada, Jais, Jaij atau lebih tepat lagi tampuk kekuasaan negara?
Keraguan saya, adalah mereka (para 'penulis sekular' itu) hanya berani mencabar ulama-ulama konservatif yang terkait langsung dengan Pas, kenapa tidak mencabar struktur undang-undang dan penguatkuasaan negara yang jelas merupakan campurtangan negara ke atas kehidupan peribadi manusia dengan menggunakan alasan agama. Umno sejak merdeka lagi telah memerintah atas nama agama dan ras. Menginstitusikan agama ke dalam sebuah bentuk rasmi perundangan serta tatacara hidup bernegara dan bermasyarakat, khususnya terhadap mereka yang dilahirkan sebagai orang Melayu Islam. Ia telah menjadi suatu nilai kebenaran mutlak yang wajib dipatuhi, di'akujanji'kan dan diikuti tanpa boleh menyoal kenapa? Menyoal bererti pembelotan, pengkhianatan dan kemurtadan yang tak ada maaf. Bagai terperangkap di dalam lingkaran syaitan kemiskinan yang tak ada jalan keluar, berpusing-pusing makin jauh, makin laju dan makin melemah. Akal budi dan nilai kemanusiaan tak dianggap penting lagi. Sesiapa yang cuba bertanya, bersiaplah mengalami sebuah proses perendahan martabat dan kehinaan. Benar juga kata-kata yang selalu disiulkan sebagai penganan di kalangan para aktivis dan pejuang kebenaran, "kebebasan tidak diberi secara percuma, ada harga mahal yang terpaksa dibayar". Tetapi siapa yang sanggup membayarnya. Pemberontakan. Tetapi ia memakan korban.
Suatu hal berhubung praktis kemerdekaan peribadi ini adalah kuasa modal. Kuasa yang didorong oleh perkembangan pasar kapitalisme di Malaysia. Kuasa yang saling bercelaru dalam struktur kekuasaan politik negara. Modal dan kelas memainkan peranan penting dalam praktik kemerdekaan peribadi. Lebih tinggi status kekuasaan politik dan ekonomi lebih banyak ruang kemerdekaan peribadi yang dimiliki. Suatu bentuk kemerdekaan palsu yang dibeli dengan wang, kekayaan dan hubungan kekuasaan.
Kita ambil contoh fenomena sosial 'bohsia' dan pasangan 'bohjan' suatu masa dulu. Anak-anak muda yang cuba merayakan kebebasan seksual mereka itu, ditindas dari segala sudut. Cap, label dan hukuman pun berterbangan hinggap di dahi mereka ini. Walhal, buat golongan korporat dan datuk-datuk, mempunyai perempuan simpanan itu sudah hal biasa. Tetapi bezanya, mereka perlu membayar untuk menikmati kemerdekaan peribadi itu. Perlu melabur. Perlu menjadi sugar daddy. Perlu bayar sewa kondominium dan segala macam insentif lainnya. Tetapi anak-anak muda itu hanya mahu berseronok, menikmati dan meneroka alam seksualiti mereka. Dan mereka tidak mampu hendak membayar kondominium mewah, cukup sekadar persetujuan dan kerelaan untuk sama-sama suka menikmati seks. Tanpa ada pertukaran nilai antara wang dan seks. Yang bertukar hanyalah cairan badan. Asli dan seratus peratus semulajadi sebagai kehendak tubuh.
Begitu jugalah saya kira, hubungan struktural di antara golongan sekularis anti-Pas ini dengan elit pemerintah negara. Berkatalah sebanyak mana, perjuangkanlah sekularisme tetapi asalkan jangan menyentuh hal pokok fungsi negara, ia tidak akan menjadi soal. Paling kurangpun hanya 'cubitan manja' memorandum Persatuan Ulama Malaysia. Risikonya tidaklah setinggi tangkapan ISA dan perlu mendekam dalam penjara.
Jelas, majoriti golongan sekularis ini, pro-pemerintah dalam persaingan politik agama di antara Umno dan Pas. Yang membezakan Umno dan Pas, bukanlah Umno itu sekular dan Pas itu anti-sekular. Kedua-duanya anti-sekular. Kedua-duanya konservatif dan represif. Tetapi yang membezakan Pas dan Umno adalah satu berkuasa dan satunya tak punya apa-apa (biarpun menguasai dua negeri). Kuasa tidak datang tiba-tiba. Kuasa muncul kerana dokongan jentera negara. Seperkara lagi, golongan ini mungkin mendapat faedah langsung dari kekuasaan rejim yang ada. Mungkin juga perlindungan. Jadi ruang dan kepentingan yang diperolehi dari "status quo" yang ada ini perlu dipertahankan. Akhirnya mereka terhisap menjadi sebahagian dari sistem "status quo" ini. Mereka selesa dengan Umno, BN dan pemerintahan Dr. Mahathir. Sebab itu mereka jadi kacau, ragu-ragu dan berasa tidak terjamin dengan agenda politik Islam Pas. Walhal, agenda politik Islam "status quo" sedia ada tak kurang 'lemak'nya. Jadi dengan menjadi sekularis pro Umno, maka kemerdekaan peribadi golongan sekularis itu sendiri terjamin. Yang cuba dijamin bukanlah kemerdekaan peribadi semua manusia tetapi hanya segelintir sahaja yang punya hubungan langsung dengan elit pemerintah. Sambil menyelam minum air, sambil mengkritik sambil mengipas, yang pentingnya diri terlepas. Akhirnya manusia di bumi ini, tetap tidak merdeka dan bebas.
68) The fact that this starts at 68 when its obviously titled "50 things...".
67) The possibility that you are going to read this all the way through.
66) Someone who has become so scared of the outside world that they have the deer in the headlights look... always.
65) The Not Vatican.
64) The idea of neo-hippies. (Where are the massive marches against capitalism?)
63) Commies – human greed not accounted for.
62) When someone's day is ruined because they didn't get their Starbucks in a timely manner.
61) When someone's day is ruined because they didn't get their (unnecessary and mundane object) in a timely manner.
60) Irrational thought and behavior.
59) Overly rational thought and behavior.
58) Capitalism – based on human greed.
57) Squirrels kissing.
56) The bird scattering machines on top of the Subway near Starbucks (they work wonders).
55) People who always think that they're always right.
54) People who can't admit that they're wrong. (there is a slight difference between the two – challenge me on that I dare you, you know I'm right)
53) Sarcasm.
52) The idea of cows dancing in tube tops and eye-patches that are embroidered with the Confederate flag.
51) My friends
50) Drinking beer at 4:30 am after waking up.
49) Running in the pouring rain.
48) People who don't like to drive.
47) Gossip.
46) Mung.
45) Jokes gone bad.
44) Our society's self destruction.
43) People who think their opinion matters in the broad spectrum. (Yes I realize that this one is targeting me too, although it's really aimed at the Mainstream News Media participants [anchors, CEOs, advertisers etc.])
42) People who can't accept their own foibles.
41) Bushisms
40) The word 'foible'.
39) Hishammuddin Rais piece of writings.
38) The average Malaysian (technically) has a low IQ.
37) The end of the world is probably very near.
36) Having a beer with lunch and/or breakfast.
35) "Honest politicians" (Who are you kidding? Oh.. yeah)
34) People who think that there are honest politicians (Obama - please restore my faith)
33) Religious extremists that kill people because of their beliefs (Islamic terrorist are to Islam as the KKK is to Christianity as the Crusades are to Christianity as the current Indian government is to Hinduism as the Mormon high priests [or whatever their title is] are to Mormonism as Tom Cruise will be to Scientology as the Spanish Inquisition is to Christianity as Dr. Zeus is to the future)
32) People who kill for beliefs, secular or otherwise.
31) The American Dream – basically being able to not give a shit about anything outside of your own little world.
30) The thought of Carrot Top being mutilated by a bear wearing a tu-tu.
29) Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez.
28) The fact that Bush got elected twice. (Even though the first election was bullshit)
27) The electoral college still exists.
26) People who think that titles make them superhuman.
25) Scientists are trying to make a black hole appear in a super collider below Long Island. If successful, it could destroy the entire planet in a matter of time expressed in the following equation:
( X < 3billion years ) X= this the amount of time it would take for total planetary destruction. "<" signifies ANY number less than or equal to the numerical figure following.
24) My dream on having a clay owl that when you blow on its asshole it hoots.
23) American congress thinks that they can stop the president from sending more troops over to ..:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" />
22) Steven Colbert at the press dinner. "We're not rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic, this administration isn't sinking, it's soaring! It's more like we're rearranging the deck chairs on the Hindenburg!"
21) The idea that president is a powerful office. (this can be taken either at face value or as an example of example 23)
20) The news media's total corruption.
19) A casual streaker.
18) John Stewart on Crossfire...:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />
17) My friend birthday party [he's 25 just so u know].
16) You never know:
---------1)...who's looking at you in any given spot.
---------2)...who's thinking of you at any given time. This includes while:
------------------1)Daydreaming
------------------2)Walking
------------------3)Boating
------------------4)Fishing
------------------5)Fornicating (funny word)
------------------6)Sleeping
------------------7)Eating
------------------8)Watching a movie
------------------9)Just before getting in a car wreck
------------------10)Running a red light
------------------11)Getting a car wash
------------------12)Drinking
------------------13)Masturbating (I can't stress this one enough so lets do again)
------------------14)MASTURBATING (And once more)
------------------15)MAST-UR-BAT-ING (This may include gyration, slapping, punching, choking, knives, swords, battle axes, quarter staffs, dragons (angry and otherwise), apocalyptic demons, airplanes, crucifixion, teddy bears, real bears, cyborg bears, Radiohead, Micheal Jackson, the girl from the OC, guns (both real and HALO), chimney sweeps, musical numbers, cunt kicking, squirrels, old people, your boyfriend/girlfriend, Depends®, poo flinging, golden showers, dirty sanchezes, jelly donuts, Bavarian cream filled donuts, old fashioned donuts and/or mung.)
------------------16)Giving birth
------------------17)Playing with Legos®
------------------AND MANY MORE
---------3)...who's killing in your name
---------4)...who's looking at your on-line profile
---------5)...who's turned on by your profile
---------6)...who wants to tell you something but they're too
------------------1)scared
------------------2)embarrassed
------------------3)wet
------------------4)pregnant
------------------5)fuzzy
------------------6)preoccupied
------------------7)dead
------------------8)mute
------------------9)handicapped
------------------10)deaf
---------7)...who feels bad for something they did to you, whether you were hurt by it or not.
---------8)...everything, or anything anywhere a fraction of what could possibly be considered close to.
---------AND MANY MORE!
15) Flatulence.
14) Pride.
13) Pride in one's flatulence.
12) The word Fornicate.
11) Punctuation Jokes.
10) The combination of the words 'anal' and 'fornication'.
9) The further combination of the words 'flatulent', 'anal' and 'fornication'.
8) People making a big deal out of something that's really not. (example: The "LED Bombs" that terrorized Boston)
7) When people think that abortion is a serious political topic and not a distraction from more immediate issues. If we all set aside our personal beliefs and differences, we could make this world a peaceful place to live. People, however, insist on attaching themselves to property, power and possessions in such a way that we will kill each other for the control of these things. I'm not quite expressing this idea correctly. Basically, if as a human race, we worked together to say... bring fresh water to people who drink diseased water, we could easily eliminate water caused illnesses. If, as a human race, we implemented energy saving and alternative energy sources, that are renewable, we could be self sufficient, away from nature AND not cause anymore damage to nature. Maybe you don't agree with my examples, but hopefully you understand the idea behind them. If we stop hating and extend love to everything on this earth, we can accomplish great things. The fact that we ignore this is what makes me laugh.
6) Hippie talk. (See previous point)
5) People maliciously destroy the creations of something they can neither prove nor disprove in the name of that which they can neither prove nor disprove. I especially laugh at this when they, the people destroying, believe that that which they can neither prove nor disprove preaches peace and respect of all the creations of that which can be neither proved nor disproved, which, by the way, is always. (When I refer to the proving or disproving of that which can neither be proved nor disproved, I mean to imply the phrase "to others or that which is being destroyed" after the phrase "that which can neither be proved nor disproved" or a reasonable derivative of.)
4) The redundancy of this list.
3) That you have almost read this all the way through.
2) The redundancy of this list.
1) The idea of someone who lives (as a patient) in a hospice home pleasuring themselves to the thought of you naked. Yes, I do mean masturbating. Old people masturbating to the thought of you... naked... dancing like an over sized hobbit... a gay one... gay = happy and/or homosexual. Picture that, bitch.
saya sering berbicara mengenai saya, mengenai apa itu saya? Bagaimana itu saya? Dan banyak lagi persoalan persoalan yang hanya saya yang boleh menjawabnya. Kerapkali terjadi, soalan soalan saya amat tidak masuk akal. Contohnya, mengapa saya mengeluarkan tahi yang bewarna coklat sedangkan rakan rakan lain boleh berbangga dengan tahi mereka yang bewarna kuning keemasan? Kadangkala timbul juga persoalan bijak [bagi saya] mengenai: mengapa M. maniamman boleh menarik Boeing747dengan hanya mengunakan rambut beliau sedangkan saya tidak?
Saban hari, saya mulai sedar, persoalan persolan inilah yang memotivasikan diri saya agar bangun dipagi hari dengan senyuman dan bersiap sedia untuk mencabar tubuh badan saya hingga ke tahap maksimas. If im right in defining it, this is what they call "muhasabah diri" in islam.
untuk beberapa ketika dimusim cuti raya cina, saya ke pulau pangkor bersama rakan rakan untuk menunaikan hasrat mandi manda di laut biru, sepanjang 2hari di sana, aktiviti mandi manda tergendala disebabkan oleh hujan yang bertalu talu [damn! how I hate tropics] turun meruntuhkan hasrat kami untuk mandi sampai lebam as well as ruining my sandcastle. Seketika menanti hujan reda, kami duduk berbincang mengenai dunia, hiburan, perang, bolasepak, the late anna Nicole smith, dan juga mengenai bangsa melayu.
Saya ada beberapa soalan terbengkalai mengenai bangsa 'special' ini. Beberapa ketul soalan yang saya rasakan dajmarizal's dopleganger gagal untuk menjawabnya. Beberapa soalan yang dajs imaginary friend gagal jawab sewaktu berdiskusi didalam toilet ketika mencangkung memerah tenaga mengeluarkan tahi. [don't lie, u do have this sort of friend as well right?]
Soalan soalan lazimnya berbentuk: apakah bangsa melayu ini adalah bangsa yang bersyukur? Apakah bangsa melayu ini terlalu bedebah untuk menyedari yang mereka sebenarnya boleh digelarkan munafik angkara sesuatu sebab yang saya akan rungkaikan kemudian?
Lantas dikesempatan rintik rintik hujan yang masih belum menunjukkan tanda muak untuk terus menghentam pasir [termasuk istana pasir saya], saya bertanyakan hal bangsa melayu ini pada rakan rakan. Harap harap mereka tidak marah. Moga moga mereka tidak melenting. Sesuatu yang saya sedari, melayu ini pantang ditegur [me too], pantang ditunjukkan kesalahan, pantang diajak berbincang, pantang diseru kearah yang berbeza walaupun menyedari yang jalanan yang diseru itu adalah jalanan kearah kebaikan. Ini dibuktikan dengan wujudnya satu peribahasa kuno yang jika tidak silap saya hadir dalam sulalatus salatin yang berbunyi "biarkan saja pasu bunga menjadi bekas minum jika itu yang senang dihati."
Mujur, hari ini rakan rakan tidak melenting tika saya mengajukan soalan perihal melayu. Mungkin menyedari tak guna melenting lantaran saya bertugas memegang wang perbelanjaan untuk trip kali ini. [mak, adik jadi bendahari siot!! Haha]. Hujah demi hujah dari mereka amat menyenangkan sesenang hati saya melihat hujan mulai berhenti secara berperingkat peringkat.
Ada yang mengatakan melayu ini lemah hasil dari nama melayu itu sendiri. The equation is simple: MELAYU= REBAH, MENJUNAM, LEMAH SECARA PERLAHAN LAHAN. Umm mungkin juga, tapi sejak bila nama memainkan peranan secara langsung dalam pembentukan peribadi seseorang? Kerana bagi saya, keperibadian wujud dari kekeliruan kekeliruan manusia itu sendiri. Masalah dalam keperibadian adalah amat mudah, ketika manusia menjadi moden, selalu timbul kerinduan untuk kembali ke zaman dungu masa lampau, menjadi peribadi yang teguh sekaligus naïf. [mind the circle trend theory]
Soalan mengenai adakah melayu itu bangsa munafik mendapat deruan jawapan yang memberangsangkan, munafik dalam erti kata moden lagi rock and roll ialah "cakap tak serupa bikin". Munafik juga ditafsirkan oleh penggiat penggiat dangdut sebagai "persis mukanya lain, hatinya aneh". Dalam ertikata peminat peminat
Kata rakan rakan, bangsa melayu ini ratanya munafik. "Munafik yang bagaimana? Mengapa pula munafik? Itu agak keras bagi bangsa melayu don't you think?" Kata saya. Jawapan mereka sungguh ajaib bagi saya. Mereka berpendapat, munafik orang melayu datangnya dari para pemimpin. Kerana, orang melayu sekarang bukanlah orang yang mampu bersyukur atas penghasilan yang diperoleh dari usaha keringatnya. Padahal martabat manusia ditentukan oleh kemampuannya bekerja, iaitu kesungguhannya membangun dengan tenaga akal dan perasaan dalam menyelesaikan kerangka sifatnya sebagai tangungjawab insani kepada tuhan. Mereka mengaitkan bencana rasuah/korupsi di
Ketika orang melayu berbicara perihal ketuhanan- nama yang disebut sebut dengan fasih lagi lancar didalam hafalan tarikatnya- maka tuhan dalam benak otak melayu adalah sibodoh yang boleh diarah arah untuk membuatkan mereka pintar untuk mencuri wang negara dan wang rakyat. Ini membawa erti, orang melayu tidak lagi takut pada tuhannya, tuhan mereka kini adalah not not wang yang berwarna warni. Dengannya, orang melayu dianggap mulia dalam tafsiran bangsa adalah kerana hartanya bukan harkatnya. Manfaatnya bukan kerana martabatnya.
Inilah gambaran sebenar bangsa melayu yang munafik. Berpenampilan nabi namun berkelakuan babi. Malah yang kuat beragama juga mempunyai hati busuk lantaran demam munafik sudah menjangkiti mereka. Perjuangannya siang dan malam, doanya sehari hari, sehingga kebas bibirnya, berliur basi mulutnya, tidak lain tidak bukan mengharapkan kemusnahan pada bangsa bangsa lain yang tidak semetri aliran kepercayaannya. Namun di kaca tv, di corong radio saban hari menegaskan kemuakfakatan adalah asas pembangunan ummah. Tertawa saya sebentar memikirkan pandangan berani ini. Namun untuk keselamatan rakan yang menegaskan perihal sebentar tadi, ingin saya katakan, tidak semua ulamak melayu sebegitu rupa. Segelintir, harapnya.
Saya menambah, orang melayu juga degil untuk bersyukur, mereka senang terbelit. Tidak kurang juga yang membelit. Ini menambahkan derita bangsa yang sudahpun kusut masai. Andai saja bangsa melayu itu saleh, pekerjaan yang diberkati oleh tuhannya adalah menerima nafkah yang paling kecil pun dengan rasa syukur, maka saya percaya tidak terjadi korupsi seperti sekarang, korupsi seperti hari semalam, korupsi seperti hari esok. Tapi apakan daya, soalnya ialah tidak ada lagi nurani ynag dapat melahirkan rasa syukur yang tulus dan ikhlas dihati bangsa melayu. Bayangkan, pekerja kerajaan yang mahu membuka tender hanya mahu mengucapkan terimakasih pada pembida pembida yang menyediakan proposal mengandungi not not wang didlamnya.
Keanehan bangsa melayu ini bukanlah sesuatu yang baru. Ia tidak bermula dari hari mokhtar dahari merembat kencang melepasi penjaga gol
Saya tidak menolak anggapan yang bangsa bangsa lain juga mempunyai masalah yang sama. Saya juga kadangkala bersetuju bahawa penyakit ini sebenarnya bukanlah penyakit bangsa namun ia sebenarnya virus yang datangnya dari amalan demokrasi. Who knows?
Namun apa yang ingin jelaskan ialah berdasarkan satu poster yang emak saya bawa pulang dari hospital yang saya rasa sesuai juga digunakan dalam hal ini. Ia berbunyi: healthy lifestyle starts from your own yard.
Owh hujan sudah reda.
Ok, once again I find myself at my friends room and bored out of my mind and unable to sleep. A whole bunch of shit just keeps popping into my head so I feel like I should just go ahead and write it down for your reading pleasure. So here goes. Is there a possibility that some people are mentally retarded and no one knows yet? I've met many people in my time that I could have swore needed a drool bib. Maybe they have everyone fooled and all the sudden one day they pop out from behind a bush naked with their underwear on their heads and say ALABAMA, then smack you in the mouth and shit on the sidewalk. Would I get in trouble for snappin his fucking neck? I mean, he yelled, hit me, and then shit, so I killed him. But, what if that were considered murder? I'm not a puss or anything but I don't want to have to fight for my anal virginity. I couldn't make it in prison. I sleep too heavily. I'd wake up and my ass would hurt and I'd have to hang myself with my shoe strings.
You know what pisses me off the most about shoe strings? 1) Them lousy bastards come untied and then I got to bend over again and tie my shoes. That's hell on a lazy boy like me. I get light headed when I do that. If I passed out loopin my shoe strings can I sue Nike? 2) Did you know that the guy who invented the plastic dealy on the ends of shoe strings is a multi-millionaire? Give me a fucking break. This guy, who is probably retarded, decides one day to put something on the end of a shoe string to keep it from unraveling and now he's rich? You fucking pussy. If you weren't such a bitch you'd realize it's gay to make money from something so stupid. Take that money donate it to a charity like Save the Chipmunks and get a real job ya douche bag.
Speakin of douche bags, I love that phrase. Douche bag. Kinda just rolls off the tongue. It's the perfect insult to anyone. No one takes offense to it. Prolly cause most guys don't know what a douche bag is. Well, fellas, let me educate. A douche bag is most commonly something that you can load warm water into and squirt up the vaginal cannal in an attempt to cleanse the fanjita. It's extremely useful for taking the flipper smell out of the cat box. Imagine it like being a turkey baster. So when I call someone a douche bag, basically I'm saying they are as smart as pussy water. And guys if you don't believe me about the douche bag you can google that shit and learn all about it for yourself.
Lately I have been feeling like I'm smarter than everyone else. But, once I get around someone smarter than me, I start thinking I'm better looking than everyone else. Then some handsome devil walks in with his cute nokia Nseries....whatever and I begin to think that I might be the funniest man alive. Until I tell a joke no one laughs at then I start thinking that they didn't get it because I'm smarter then they are. It's a vicious circle
The most annoying thing in the world is nose and ears hair. It feels like a booger is stuck up in there and cocked to the side at an angle and it's make you spend three quarters of you life with your finger up your nose. The other day my friend was trimmin the hair back and he stabbed my brain with his so-called professional hairstylist scissors. Thank god[?] it was the part of my brain that has been killed off by all the alcohol I've drank. All hair sucks except the ones on your head. I don't like to admit this but, I'm just a tad on the furry side. Believe me, it's not anything I'm proud of. I haven't taken my shirt off in public in ten years. My best friends are completely unaware that I have nipples. Oh, and I have hair on my chest somehow. That's just fucking nasty. Thanks, dad! Of all the things you could have given me like a faster metabolism, or the ability to throw a knuckle ball, I'm glad you passed me the gene of hair. P.S. If I go bald like you, I'm gonna kick you in the balls.
That makes me think of something totally weird. If I kicked my dad in the balls, would I be kicking my little brother or sister? That's messed up ain't it? It's hard to believe that one day I swam around in the old man's nut sack. And for all of you who read this and thought that was gross, I guarantee you that you also swam around in your dad's nut sack. I'll get even grosser. Everyone one of you have swam in your mothers vagina. OH DAMN now that's crossing the line. That's almost as bad as thinking that when we were born we had our mothers vaginas rapped around our necks. YUCK!! Ok, I'm gonna go vomit and I'll get back to this.
Just a little helpful computer advice to you all. If you are having trouble with your computer freezing up on you, grab the computer with your left hand and punch it with your right until the page your trying to go to comes up. That's what I had to do earlier. I don't really think it sped the computer up but it sure made me feel better. I was stressed.
I'm going to get a piece of cardboard and write on it with a magic marker like the homeless people do. My sign is gonna say: WILL HAVE SEX FOR GASOLINE. I can't wait for the day people can't afford to go to work because gas is so high. Mother fuckers with naked children because they have to put food in their kids bellies and gas in their cars to get to work. I'd buy a horse but I'd feel sorry for the horse who has to haul my fat ass around. No doubt he'd be talkin bout me behind my back. If that fucker don't start losing some wiehgt I'm gonna bust his ass. Then shit on his head.
I met a hitchhiker on the side of the road the other day when i was in langkawi and he was holding his thumb out to hitch a ride and as I drove by I gave him two thumbs up. If homeless hitchhikers have to go to the hospital where does the hospital send a bill to? Green shirt tan pants on side of road anywhere between Perak and Kedah, Il 62875, 62367, OR 75462??? They should keep them at the hospital and make them paint walls or something. Make em clean up shit off the floors and let em leave when it starts raining that way you don't have to pay for soap.
Why is it that when a woman hooks up with a dude and doesn't call him after that, it's ok, but, a guy hooks up with a chick and doesn't call her and every man on the planet is scum? Woman hate men sometimes and it's bullshit and here's why. Women have rules for men. We are all supposed to be under these guidelines the only problem is you women are so scatterbrained that you think we know what the fuck you are talking about. What is it with all these fucking guessing games? How in the fuck can we catch your signals? I didn't see your blinker on. Games! Why play games with each other? Either we got togethor to hook up and satisfy our basic animal needs or you like me and you want me to holla at ya. I personally wouldn't be pissed if it went either way. Because you tell me you want to start seein me if I don't feel the same way then I'll tell you to get your skank ass on the road. Here's the deal for this to ever work, you should have this conversation before you play hide the meat-sickle. Then all questions are answered. Fuckin crazy ass women. Yea, I called you crazy. Every woman is crazy and all us guys know this. But I can also say that every guy, even Bill Gates, is a dumbass at times. We fuck up and we know it.
Once before I die I would like to see a mouse fuck an elephant. While this is going one monkey drops a coconut on the elephants head and when the elephant goes OUCH, I'd love to hear the mouse say. "Take it all, bitch"! If I ever saw that, I'd shoot myself in the head that very minute because I would have officialy seen all I needed to see.
Ok, I have alot of people ask me question about what I'm doin when I write this shit. So, I started at 1:47 a.m. it is officially 6:24 a.m. I have smokd nine cigarettes, drank three glasses of 3in1 nescafe, and pissed coincidentally three times. I am not drunk, nor have I been drinking. I am pretty sure that 5 percent of what i wrote is either mispelled or used in a sentence containing improper grammer and I don't give a fuck. I have laughed aloud when I reread this once and I did it at the part where I was kicking my little brother/sister in dad's balls. I think this is at best mildly funny but hopefully I'm wrong and I'll win a fucking prize for writing this and someone will through me a fucking parade with confetti and midgets.
But, like I always say to adleena, "Life will never be worth living if you can't laugh at it."
love you all and the rest i hope you get herpes !
saya kini bercuti semester. Merayakan kejayaan menjadi pelajar semester pertama. Its not a good semester actually nor a bad one juga. Its kinda balance I must say. Saya berjumpa kawan2 baru yang ratio sengalnya menepati standard kebebalan saya [hi yon gemok man ali meg nad samsul poji mat sat]. Saya diprovide
Saya menukar phrasa berkenaan bukan kerana ingin memperbanyakkan jumlah perkataan di perenggan pertama apatah lagi
Saya menambah perkataan MALAYSIAN pada pharasa tersebut kerana sepanjang semester pertama saya, saya menjalani kehidupan pelajar universiti sperti seorang pelaajr yang dikehendaki oleh kerajaan
Pada pemerhatian saya, system pendidikan tinggi
Terdapat beberapa kekurangan yang jika difikirkan secara kritikal menampakkan system pendidikan peringkat tinggi
Di Malaysia, para graduasi berbagai bidang tidak mempunyai sebarang teori baru. Mereka hanya mempunyai skrol yang menyatakan: si polan bin si polan [put your name there]lulus dalam pengajiannya dan mendapat gpa 3.76 [wow!] dan dgn ini dianugerahkan dengan sebijik skrol dan syarikat syarikat berstatus multimedia silalah mengambil pekrja baru lagi segar ini dan tempatkan beliau pada department yang sesuai, dapatkan beliau sebuah bilik pejabat ditemani sekretari cantek yang don't even mind to be his 2nd wife, agar segala ilmu yang dipelajarinya dapt dipraktikkan. [bluwekk]
para graduasi universiti tempatan disediakan dengan keupayaan untuk bekerja, bukan untuk me-reka, memperkasakan dan memperkayakan keupayaan otak mereka dalam bentuk yang kritis. Ini amat menyedihkan. Sungguh menyedihkan kerana jika hal ini berterusan, satu2nya pemikir yang hebat di
universiti tempatan saya lihat gagal untuk melahirkan Malaysian yang moden, Malaysian yang petah berkritikal thinking. Apatah tidak, para pelajar2 universiti tempatan hanya belajar perkara2 asas, dibebani dengan ilmu ilmu lapuk yang tidak penting buat mereka at all. ya saya diajar tentang tamadun islam namun apa yang saya ingin pelajari adalah punca dan sebab tamadun islam jatuh merudum, bukannya mempelajari smester demi semester tentang keagungan tamadun islam yang mencipta ballista on and on and on. Sigh. Ya, saya diajar tentang system teknologi maklumat, namun bukannya tentang apa itu mouse, apa itu printer, apa itu hardisk blablabla. saya ingin pengajaran secara praktikal bukannya mempelajari bagaimana mahu membuka akaun emel yang baru. D'oh.
Pernah dengar penyataan ini: graduan hari ini bakal melahirkan pemimpinhari esok? Tentu anda pernah dengar. Percaya tentagnya? Pada saya: hell no! bagaimana mahu melahirkan pemimpin dari kalangan graduan jika di kala sedang menuntut ilmu di universiti tempatan, para pelajar dilarang sama sekali untuk berpolitik. Saya tidak setuju dengan langkah kerajaan untuk mengharamkan sebarang aktiviti politik di kampus. No..no… no don't get me wrong. im not thinking of joining any or such but how can we possibly creates a leader to this "glorious" nation of ours thru these channels tapi pada masa yang sama mengharamkan sebarang aktiviti politk? It sounds so absurd… don't u think?
Entah-lah pak lah!
Saya bertemu sedikit kesimpulan pada isu ini.
OK, here's the deal. As always, at this time of noon when I'm suppose to snoozing my head sleeping, I choose to smoke and smoke and do some nasty practical jokes with my friends, I'm bored out of my damn mind. I know it sounds morbid as hell, but I kinda wish someone would get shot right now to spice things up. Not in the head or vital organs, just somewhere where the shootee would bleed like a wounded rhinoceros. Then, I want to pick up a crackhead that fell and busted his head just so I can laugh at him while I bandage his gash on his nose. Maybe a bar fight after that, and when he gets in the ER (and off my cot) I hope he starts vomiting uncontrollably from too many Bloody Mary's. Yea, that would make my night better.
Here's somethin I don't understand. What do people get out of licking feet? Feet are the most hideous thing on the body. You put them nasty things in your shoe for twelve hours, sweat all over them, and OH yea they get piss on them in the shower. I feel sick to my stomach when I think of feet. I'd rather get smaked in the face with a mackerel then lick someone elses feet. Fetishes period, how in the fuck is it considered ok to get yourself handcuffed and beat with a whip and have a dildo shoved up your ass right as your about to blow the baby batter all over someones chest while they have clips on their nipples and someone is cutting them with a knife while that person has a door knob shoved up their ass and is licking someone elses shoes (that they stepped in dogshit earlier) but still people think you are weird when you pick your nose in public.
What in the fuck is so wrong with pickin your nose anyhow? I think it's fun!! It's what's really like a box a chocolates cause you never know what your gonna get. Dried up yellow ones, ones that feel dry but come out with what I like to call a worm tail, or how bout the ones that come out with dried blood on em. The only bad thing about the ones with blood on them is if youre in public you spend the next ten minutes wondering if your gonna get a nose bleed. But, that kind of anticipation is the shit I live for. Sitting on the edge of your seat wonderin if your nose is gonna start bleedin because you had your finger three quarters of the way to the part of your hair. Now that's fun.
You know what else is fun? Driving drunk as hell. Man, music never sounded so good to me as when I'm barreling down the wrong side of the road or in the ditch. Then you got all these cool drunk driving stories. "Man this one time I was so fuckin wasted I woke up in the middle of a cow pasture butt naked by myself, and there wasn't a road within five miles of where I was at." "I knocked down at least 4 acres of corn gettin out of there. Then I got another beer and whenever I woke back up I was in front of the Marion County Sherrifs office and I was still naked. So I got out to piss and fell in these rose bushes and got a thorn stuck in the head of my dick. It was great man you should have been there.
. I believe that a law should be written that every woman under the age of 50 should have to shave their pubes off. You can leave a Hitler mustache if you want but the rest needs to go. Hairy beavers are for 1970's pornos. And for God sakes ladys,dueche it everyday. That's all I'll say about that. Oh yea by the way, women are definitly NOT supposed to have mustaches. I know you can't help it but try.
And to all you women who don't like skinner boys, FUCK YOU! You don't know what youre missing out on you superficial bitches. The greatestquote of all time-There's no greater joy than a flat-tiny bellied boy.
Sometimes I thank God that I wasn't born a woman because I'd be the biggest whore in the world. I'd be on more cocks than an egg farmer. If I was a woman guys would call me the porcupine. Cause if I had as many dicks stickin out of me than I had stuck in me I'd look like one.
Dumb people drive me crazy. If your dumb, just to let you know, whenever you leave me, I'm gonna tell all my friends just how big of a dumbass you really are. I might even call my momma and tell her the dumb shit you just told me. I had a guy tell me once that he used to quail hunt with a border collie. I smacked him in the face with a gallon of milk. Not really but I should have.
You know what else I should have done. I should have NOT eaten as many Hacks and Ding Dangs when I was a kid. Maybe a couple of sit-ups wouldn't have killed me either. You ought to try wakin up skinny-somalian type one day. It's seriously depressing. When your somalian type, you better have something else going for you if want to get laid. I'd suggest being rich. I have a good personality and a good sense of humor and it don't do a DAMN thing for me. Yep, you heard it here, you got to be rich to get laid if youre as skinner as me.
You know what really sucks? Being hung like a field mouse. It's not like I got a 1 inch dick or nothin, but a lil better than average ain't that great. I haven't had any complaints to my face but, I'd like to have a dick I could show off to people. Walk up to some chick, whip it out and make her eyes get as big as watermelons.
Oh, in case your wondering, I'm not even close to being done writing this so go get something to drink, take a shit, smack the old lady for not having the dishes done and come back cause-call me butter cause I'm on a roll. If you go get a Coke your a fag. Get a beer. Sniff a little glue and this shit'll be even funnier.
Why is it all the hot chicks are with fuckin dueche bags? What does Skippy really do for you, honey? I thought about trying to act gay one time to pick up chicks, but knowing my luck, I'd probably wake up to some guy named Mustaffa lying next to me and a pain in my ass. YIKES!! That's the reason I didn't do it.
One of my favorite things to do is make fun of retarded people. I feel sorry for em and all. But, damn those fuckin slobberin bastards crack me up. I like tater tots harrrrr harr ayeeee!!! hahaha! I had a senile old lady tell me one time she was gonna shove HER dick in MY ass. You try to not laugh at that shit.
I don't think there is anything funnier than watchin old people fall down though. If there was a television show that showed nothin but grannies fallin and bustin their coconuts I'd fuckin "TiVo" that shit ya'll. There needs to be a broadway show about old people on ice. I'd get drunk as hell and watch every minute of that shit. I'd piss my pants right there in the theatre cause I wouldn't want to have to get up and miss somethin. I'd also like to see old people get drunk and try to light off explosives. That would be some nail-biting shit there. Oh I don't think
I watched a video once of a guy who tried to light a bottle rocket between his ass-cheeks. It put third degree burns on both cheeks and I thought to myself, I should get someone to try that sometime. Come on in Yon, have a seat. No thanks Daj, my ass is like charcoal from the bottle rocket. Oh yea Yon sorry about that. I really thought it would work, if that makes you feel any better.
Have any of you ever said to your coworkers that you'd rather be kicked in the balls by a donkey on steroids than be at work? I have. The only reason I work is because they charge money for alcohol. If that stuff was free, I'd have been dead from alcohol poisoning by now. But seriously, how great is alcohol? Never will you find another substance in this world that can make you think you have a shot with the hottest women in the bar. It's liquid courage, man. You can be ready to fist fight Evander Holyfield when your drunk. You can talk politics and not have a clue what politics are and still make a good arguement. Alcohol brings out your true self. the way you really feel about yourself at the time. Like if I were drunk right now, I'd feel like I was the hottest, biggest dicked cat to ever cross the county line. And in reality I'm quite the uggo with the lil better than average. Some kinds of alcohol are liquid viagra if used in the correct quantities. You can fuck for hours on end till you puke from exhaustion. You can fuck a longer amount of time than it takes for the bars to open again. Ain't that great!! But be careful cause if you drink to much the flag won't even be able to half mast. There's times when a jack hammer doesn't have enough motion to get it up for ya. Then comes the whole, "This never happens to me" converstation. And that one sucks. I like to take my condom off and smack the broad in the face with it. Then she don't care about the daj. What really sucks is when you get up and lose your train of thought and it deflates mid stroke. I hope this stuff happens to someone else but me otherwise I'm gonna catch serious hell for this.
And for God's sakes rap it up fellas. You don't know where she's been and if she's fuckin your skanky ass imagine the other dudes she's been with. I like my dick and I could really do without dick rot. If nothin else, who really wants to have a kid right now? If your ready for one that's one thing but you don't want to have a kid with the local bar slut. Settle down, get married then have a kid, then lose all your money payin for diapers that the little fucker is gonna shit in. Then put up with all of his bullshit gettin arrested for DUI when he's 16 and have to pay for that shit too. Have that little fucker completely stop you from gettin pussy off the old lady and drive you to the brink of insanity. Then when your old and decrepid the ungrateful fucker can put you in a nursing home where you babble to the wallpaper about the good old days. That's the Malaysian way. Now you see why I'm not ready for kids. yea rap that shit up.
I heard a story the other day of a guy [hey paiz] that rubbed IcyHot on his condom and poured the coals to his girlfriend at the time. I guess she was bow-legged for a week. Now that's fuckin funny. The only thing that could have made that story better is if she called the ambulance and I had to go pick her up. Then I'd be like- Man you GOT to hear this shit. That gets me to thinkin.....ok I'm done.
I could go on but I think that if I do people would get bored readin this so I'm gonna wrap it up
