Wednesday, October 15, 2008

on douche bags, homeless guy and the sexist part of me

Ok, once again I find myself at my friends room and bored out of my mind and unable to sleep. A whole bunch of shit just keeps popping into my head so I feel like I should just go ahead and write it down for your reading pleasure. So here goes. Is there a possibility that some people are mentally retarded and no one knows yet? I've met many people in my time that I could have swore needed a drool bib. Maybe they have everyone fooled and all the sudden one day they pop out from behind a bush naked with their underwear on their heads and say ALABAMA, then smack you in the mouth and shit on the sidewalk. Would I get in trouble for snappin his fucking neck? I mean, he yelled, hit me, and then shit, so I killed him. But, what if that were considered murder? I'm not a puss or anything but I don't want to have to fight for my anal virginity. I couldn't make it in prison. I sleep too heavily. I'd wake up and my ass would hurt and I'd have to hang myself with my shoe strings.

You know what pisses me off the most about shoe strings? 1) Them lousy bastards come untied and then I got to bend over again and tie my shoes. That's hell on a lazy boy like me. I get light headed when I do that. If I passed out loopin my shoe strings can I sue Nike? 2) Did you know that the guy who invented the plastic dealy on the ends of shoe strings is a multi-millionaire? Give me a fucking break. This guy, who is probably retarded, decides one day to put something on the end of a shoe string to keep it from unraveling and now he's rich? You fucking pussy. If you weren't such a bitch you'd realize it's gay to make money from something so stupid. Take that money donate it to a charity like Save the Chipmunks and get a real job ya douche bag.

Speakin of douche bags, I love that phrase. Douche bag. Kinda just rolls off the tongue. It's the perfect insult to anyone. No one takes offense to it. Prolly cause most guys don't know what a douche bag is. Well, fellas, let me educate. A douche bag is most commonly something that you can load warm water into and squirt up the vaginal cannal in an attempt to cleanse the fanjita. It's extremely useful for taking the flipper smell out of the cat box. Imagine it like being a turkey baster. So when I call someone a douche bag, basically I'm saying they are as smart as pussy water. And guys if you don't believe me about the douche bag you can google that shit and learn all about it for yourself.

Lately I have been feeling like I'm smarter than everyone else. But, once I get around someone smarter than me, I start thinking I'm better looking than everyone else. Then some handsome devil walks in with his cute nokia Nseries....whatever and I begin to think that I might be the funniest man alive. Until I tell a joke no one laughs at then I start thinking that they didn't get it because I'm smarter then they are. It's a vicious circle

The most annoying thing in the world is nose and ears hair. It feels like a booger is stuck up in there and cocked to the side at an angle and it's make you spend three quarters of you life with your finger up your nose. The other day my friend was trimmin the hair back and he stabbed my brain with his so-called professional hairstylist scissors. Thank god[?] it was the part of my brain that has been killed off by all the alcohol I've drank. All hair sucks except the ones on your head. I don't like to admit this but, I'm just a tad on the furry side. Believe me, it's not anything I'm proud of. I haven't taken my shirt off in public in ten years. My best friends are completely unaware that I have nipples. Oh, and I have hair on my chest somehow. That's just fucking nasty. Thanks, dad! Of all the things you could have given me like a faster metabolism, or the ability to throw a knuckle ball, I'm glad you passed me the gene of hair. P.S. If I go bald like you, I'm gonna kick you in the balls.

That makes me think of something totally weird. If I kicked my dad in the balls, would I be kicking my little brother or sister? That's messed up ain't it? It's hard to believe that one day I swam around in the old man's nut sack. And for all of you who read this and thought that was gross, I guarantee you that you also swam around in your dad's nut sack. I'll get even grosser. Everyone one of you have swam in your mothers vagina. OH DAMN now that's crossing the line. That's almost as bad as thinking that when we were born we had our mothers vaginas rapped around our necks. YUCK!! Ok, I'm gonna go vomit and I'll get back to this.

Just a little helpful computer advice to you all. If you are having trouble with your computer freezing up on you, grab the computer with your left hand and punch it with your right until the page your trying to go to comes up. That's what I had to do earlier. I don't really think it sped the computer up but it sure made me feel better. I was stressed.

I'm going to get a piece of cardboard and write on it with a magic marker like the homeless people do. My sign is gonna say: WILL HAVE SEX FOR GASOLINE. I can't wait for the day people can't afford to go to work because gas is so high. Mother fuckers with naked children because they have to put food in their kids bellies and gas in their cars to get to work. I'd buy a horse but I'd feel sorry for the horse who has to haul my fat ass around. No doubt he'd be talkin bout me behind my back. If that fucker don't start losing some wiehgt I'm gonna bust his ass. Then shit on his head.

I met a hitchhiker on the side of the road the other day when i was in langkawi and he was holding his thumb out to hitch a ride and as I drove by I gave him two thumbs up. If homeless hitchhikers have to go to the hospital where does the hospital send a bill to? Green shirt tan pants on side of road anywhere between Perak and Kedah, Il 62875, 62367, OR 75462??? They should keep them at the hospital and make them paint walls or something. Make em clean up shit off the floors and let em leave when it starts raining that way you don't have to pay for soap.

Why is it that when a woman hooks up with a dude and doesn't call him after that, it's ok, but, a guy hooks up with a chick and doesn't call her and every man on the planet is scum? Woman hate men sometimes and it's bullshit and here's why. Women have rules for men. We are all supposed to be under these guidelines the only problem is you women are so scatterbrained that you think we know what the fuck you are talking about. What is it with all these fucking guessing games? How in the fuck can we catch your signals? I didn't see your blinker on. Games! Why play games with each other? Either we got togethor to hook up and satisfy our basic animal needs or you like me and you want me to holla at ya. I personally wouldn't be pissed if it went either way. Because you tell me you want to start seein me if I don't feel the same way then I'll tell you to get your skank ass on the road. Here's the deal for this to ever work, you should have this conversation before you play hide the meat-sickle. Then all questions are answered. Fuckin crazy ass women. Yea, I called you crazy. Every woman is crazy and all us guys know this. But I can also say that every guy, even Bill Gates, is a dumbass at times. We fuck up and we know it.

Once before I die I would like to see a mouse fuck an elephant. While this is going one monkey drops a coconut on the elephants head and when the elephant goes OUCH, I'd love to hear the mouse say. "Take it all, bitch"! If I ever saw that, I'd shoot myself in the head that very minute because I would have officialy seen all I needed to see.

Ok, I have alot of people ask me question about what I'm doin when I write this shit. So, I started at 1:47 a.m. it is officially 6:24 a.m. I have smokd nine cigarettes, drank three glasses of 3in1 nescafe, and pissed coincidentally three times. I am not drunk, nor have I been drinking. I am pretty sure that 5 percent of what i wrote is either mispelled or used in a sentence containing improper grammer and I don't give a fuck. I have laughed aloud when I reread this once and I did it at the part where I was kicking my little brother/sister in dad's balls. I think this is at best mildly funny but hopefully I'm wrong and I'll win a fucking prize for writing this and someone will through me a fucking parade with confetti and midgets.

But, like I always say to adleena, "Life will never be worth living if you can't laugh at it."

love you all and the rest i hope you get herpes !

1 comment:

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