OK, here's the deal. As always, at this time of noon when I'm suppose to snoozing my head sleeping, I choose to smoke and smoke and do some nasty practical jokes with my friends, I'm bored out of my damn mind. I know it sounds morbid as hell, but I kinda wish someone would get shot right now to spice things up. Not in the head or vital organs, just somewhere where the shootee would bleed like a wounded rhinoceros. Then, I want to pick up a crackhead that fell and busted his head just so I can laugh at him while I bandage his gash on his nose. Maybe a bar fight after that, and when he gets in the ER (and off my cot) I hope he starts vomiting uncontrollably from too many Bloody Mary's. Yea, that would make my night better.
Here's somethin I don't understand. What do people get out of licking feet? Feet are the most hideous thing on the body. You put them nasty things in your shoe for twelve hours, sweat all over them, and OH yea they get piss on them in the shower. I feel sick to my stomach when I think of feet. I'd rather get smaked in the face with a mackerel then lick someone elses feet. Fetishes period, how in the fuck is it considered ok to get yourself handcuffed and beat with a whip and have a dildo shoved up your ass right as your about to blow the baby batter all over someones chest while they have clips on their nipples and someone is cutting them with a knife while that person has a door knob shoved up their ass and is licking someone elses shoes (that they stepped in dogshit earlier) but still people think you are weird when you pick your nose in public.
What in the fuck is so wrong with pickin your nose anyhow? I think it's fun!! It's what's really like a box a chocolates cause you never know what your gonna get. Dried up yellow ones, ones that feel dry but come out with what I like to call a worm tail, or how bout the ones that come out with dried blood on em. The only bad thing about the ones with blood on them is if youre in public you spend the next ten minutes wondering if your gonna get a nose bleed. But, that kind of anticipation is the shit I live for. Sitting on the edge of your seat wonderin if your nose is gonna start bleedin because you had your finger three quarters of the way to the part of your hair. Now that's fun.
You know what else is fun? Driving drunk as hell. Man, music never sounded so good to me as when I'm barreling down the wrong side of the road or in the ditch. Then you got all these cool drunk driving stories. "Man this one time I was so fuckin wasted I woke up in the middle of a cow pasture butt naked by myself, and there wasn't a road within five miles of where I was at." "I knocked down at least 4 acres of corn gettin out of there. Then I got another beer and whenever I woke back up I was in front of the Marion County Sherrifs office and I was still naked. So I got out to piss and fell in these rose bushes and got a thorn stuck in the head of my dick. It was great man you should have been there.
. I believe that a law should be written that every woman under the age of 50 should have to shave their pubes off. You can leave a Hitler mustache if you want but the rest needs to go. Hairy beavers are for 1970's pornos. And for God sakes ladys,dueche it everyday. That's all I'll say about that. Oh yea by the way, women are definitly NOT supposed to have mustaches. I know you can't help it but try.
And to all you women who don't like skinner boys, FUCK YOU! You don't know what youre missing out on you superficial bitches. The greatestquote of all time-There's no greater joy than a flat-tiny bellied boy.
Sometimes I thank God that I wasn't born a woman because I'd be the biggest whore in the world. I'd be on more cocks than an egg farmer. If I was a woman guys would call me the porcupine. Cause if I had as many dicks stickin out of me than I had stuck in me I'd look like one.
Dumb people drive me crazy. If your dumb, just to let you know, whenever you leave me, I'm gonna tell all my friends just how big of a dumbass you really are. I might even call my momma and tell her the dumb shit you just told me. I had a guy tell me once that he used to quail hunt with a border collie. I smacked him in the face with a gallon of milk. Not really but I should have.
You know what else I should have done. I should have NOT eaten as many Hacks and Ding Dangs when I was a kid. Maybe a couple of sit-ups wouldn't have killed me either. You ought to try wakin up skinny-somalian type one day. It's seriously depressing. When your somalian type, you better have something else going for you if want to get laid. I'd suggest being rich. I have a good personality and a good sense of humor and it don't do a DAMN thing for me. Yep, you heard it here, you got to be rich to get laid if youre as skinner as me.
You know what really sucks? Being hung like a field mouse. It's not like I got a 1 inch dick or nothin, but a lil better than average ain't that great. I haven't had any complaints to my face but, I'd like to have a dick I could show off to people. Walk up to some chick, whip it out and make her eyes get as big as watermelons.
Oh, in case your wondering, I'm not even close to being done writing this so go get something to drink, take a shit, smack the old lady for not having the dishes done and come back cause-call me butter cause I'm on a roll. If you go get a Coke your a fag. Get a beer. Sniff a little glue and this shit'll be even funnier.
Why is it all the hot chicks are with fuckin dueche bags? What does Skippy really do for you, honey? I thought about trying to act gay one time to pick up chicks, but knowing my luck, I'd probably wake up to some guy named Mustaffa lying next to me and a pain in my ass. YIKES!! That's the reason I didn't do it.
One of my favorite things to do is make fun of retarded people. I feel sorry for em and all. But, damn those fuckin slobberin bastards crack me up. I like tater tots harrrrr harr ayeeee!!! hahaha! I had a senile old lady tell me one time she was gonna shove HER dick in MY ass. You try to not laugh at that shit.
I don't think there is anything funnier than watchin old people fall down though. If there was a television show that showed nothin but grannies fallin and bustin their coconuts I'd fuckin "TiVo" that shit ya'll. There needs to be a broadway show about old people on ice. I'd get drunk as hell and watch every minute of that shit. I'd piss my pants right there in the theatre cause I wouldn't want to have to get up and miss somethin. I'd also like to see old people get drunk and try to light off explosives. That would be some nail-biting shit there. Oh I don't think
I watched a video once of a guy who tried to light a bottle rocket between his ass-cheeks. It put third degree burns on both cheeks and I thought to myself, I should get someone to try that sometime. Come on in Yon, have a seat. No thanks Daj, my ass is like charcoal from the bottle rocket. Oh yea Yon sorry about that. I really thought it would work, if that makes you feel any better.
Have any of you ever said to your coworkers that you'd rather be kicked in the balls by a donkey on steroids than be at work? I have. The only reason I work is because they charge money for alcohol. If that stuff was free, I'd have been dead from alcohol poisoning by now. But seriously, how great is alcohol? Never will you find another substance in this world that can make you think you have a shot with the hottest women in the bar. It's liquid courage, man. You can be ready to fist fight Evander Holyfield when your drunk. You can talk politics and not have a clue what politics are and still make a good arguement. Alcohol brings out your true self. the way you really feel about yourself at the time. Like if I were drunk right now, I'd feel like I was the hottest, biggest dicked cat to ever cross the county line. And in reality I'm quite the uggo with the lil better than average. Some kinds of alcohol are liquid viagra if used in the correct quantities. You can fuck for hours on end till you puke from exhaustion. You can fuck a longer amount of time than it takes for the bars to open again. Ain't that great!! But be careful cause if you drink to much the flag won't even be able to half mast. There's times when a jack hammer doesn't have enough motion to get it up for ya. Then comes the whole, "This never happens to me" converstation. And that one sucks. I like to take my condom off and smack the broad in the face with it. Then she don't care about the daj. What really sucks is when you get up and lose your train of thought and it deflates mid stroke. I hope this stuff happens to someone else but me otherwise I'm gonna catch serious hell for this.
And for God's sakes rap it up fellas. You don't know where she's been and if she's fuckin your skanky ass imagine the other dudes she's been with. I like my dick and I could really do without dick rot. If nothin else, who really wants to have a kid right now? If your ready for one that's one thing but you don't want to have a kid with the local bar slut. Settle down, get married then have a kid, then lose all your money payin for diapers that the little fucker is gonna shit in. Then put up with all of his bullshit gettin arrested for DUI when he's 16 and have to pay for that shit too. Have that little fucker completely stop you from gettin pussy off the old lady and drive you to the brink of insanity. Then when your old and decrepid the ungrateful fucker can put you in a nursing home where you babble to the wallpaper about the good old days. That's the Malaysian way. Now you see why I'm not ready for kids. yea rap that shit up.
I heard a story the other day of a guy [hey paiz] that rubbed IcyHot on his condom and poured the coals to his girlfriend at the time. I guess she was bow-legged for a week. Now that's fuckin funny. The only thing that could have made that story better is if she called the ambulance and I had to go pick her up. Then I'd be like- Man you GOT to hear this shit. That gets me to thinkin.....ok I'm done.
I could go on but I think that if I do people would get bored readin this so I'm gonna wrap it up